I suffer from bipolar disorder and anxiety disorder, and I started...

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I suffer from bipolar disorder and anxiety disorder, and I
started smoking in my teens as a way to “relieve stress.” I was hooked from
that first rush of dopamine into my brain, and I smoked between 1-2 packs a day
for 10 years. In 2003, I was desperate to rid myself of a habit that was making
me sick. (In my 20s, I already had a horrible smoker’s cough, and I had an
ulcer in my nose that wouldn’t heal.) I heard a commercial for a smoking
cessation hotline, and when I called they referred me to a website called
Quitnet.com for additional help. It was a referral that would change my life.

I spent HOURS every day on the old Quitnet, making friends,
attending bonfires, calling on the help of the HTBC, and beating back the
cravings one by one. With the help of the Qmunity, I quit and would remain quit
for 11 years. But I made a rookie mistake. I drifted away from the Q after the first year or so. 
I thought I didn't need help anymore.

Fast forward to 2014. My brain chemistry was horribly out of
balance. My life was changing dramatically. And I had a new group of friends
who were smokers. One night at a social gathering, after a particularly
troubling argument with a loved one (conflict has always been a major trigger
for me), I made an incredibly dumb decision—I bummed a cigarette from a friend.
That one cigarette was all it took. Within a few weeks I was back up to a pack
a day.

I would struggle for the next 4 years to quit. I would make it
as long as 6 months to a year before starting again. At the end of 2018, I’d
had enough. I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease that attacks the lungs
(among other things), and I knew I needed to quit for good. But in order to do
that, I needed to figure out what I’d been doing wrong in all my previous
attempts. I figured out two things:

1.) I needed a support system. If I hadn’t left Quitnet, I could have posted asking
for help instead of lighting that first cigarette after 11 years.

2.) I needed to take smoking off the table and stop romancing the cigarette once and
for all.

You see, I never really changed my attitude toward smoking.
I quit in 2003 because I was bothered by health issues, but I always thought I
missed smoking. I envied those who could smoke for years and remain seemingly
unaffected. I felt cheated somehow. And I still thought of smoking as an “option”—an
option for dealing with stress, depression, grief, etc. A small voice inside my
head whispered that I could always return to the habit if life ever got too
hard. So while I didn’t face any major cravings for most of that 11 years, my
inner addict still lived on the hope that one day something would send me
running back to the habit. Which is, of course, exactly what happened.

Life throws us curveballs. Tragedy happens. But now I know
that I can’t return to smoking ever again. No, “can’t” isn’t the right word. I
WON’T return to smoking ever again. Because smoking doesn’t help with anything—not
with stress, not with my depression, not with the pain of grief, not with
weight loss. Not a single thing. All smoking does is create problems. It doesn’t
solve them.

So, on January 1, 2019, I put down the cigarettes forever. And
I returned to the safety and support of the Q.

If you have read this far, I thank you for listening.
Newbies, don’t let my story frighten you. Learn from it. Yes, I threw away a long quit. But I
share my story to help rather than to discourage.

Change your thinking about smoking. Attitude is everything. And use your support
system! The folks here know exactly what you are going through, and they are
willing to help. All you have to do is ask. And always remember one very
important thing:

Smoking is not an option.

Mysticcat

5 years ago

4,329 Days Quit

5 years ago

Glad you’re back! Your story should resonate with many people. It’s that it takes just one to blow a quit.

Tell Us Your Story. Tell Us Your WHY!